Sometimes when I am tired of being the mad hatter, and would rather be a voice than a hearer, my favourite witch is willing to trade hats with me. ❤ my wife.

When i don’t want to hear someone I can walk away or cover my ears. But when it is certain voices, i can do neither. They are bound to me. I am bound by them.

Heart Attack

When I feel very psychotic I find going to work, or doing anything really, very challenging. I am embarrassed by this and feel guilty, but feel like I am going to explode. I fantasize heavily about suicide at least once every five minutes. On these days I wish I would have a heart attack because a heart attack is a legitimate time out. Psychosis time outs, like missing work and losing income and upsetting my family are not legitimate. I would rather die with dignity or be struck down legitimately for awhile….

Imagine Reality was Filled with Voices!

“Unbelievable!”

“I just can’t imagine…”

“Too much for me…”

Those aren’t my voices. Those are your voices I hear. My voices are reasonable and respond to fact as fact. Reality is my bane and I escape it with imagination. Imagination is your reality and you don’t even know it and your world is silent. A dead ring….that lingers…

It’s like a zombie apocalypse looms over you as zombies already lord over me. Muted.

And what of your plans to deal with your version of zombies taking over the world. Oh right…you will band together.

“They turn in their neighbour for dog poo…”

“That’s right!”

“So when the actual shit hits the fan, they are gonna be friends and fight off hordes with crowbars and bats?”

“Hahahahahahahahahaha!”

“The government should pass the Big One that takes away their rights officially”.

“Yes! Yes!”

“And they should do it during the premier of next season’s Walking dead!”

“Yessss!”

“Poor bastards will be deaf to the world, muted, gagged, dumb, blind.”

“What better way way than to deal with the zombies than one big fell swoop like that!”

Yes, correct, all of you. They can’t even band together to protect what they have left from their government. They won’t even discuss plans because the reality of their shuffling existence is a fantasy and implausible. The zombies apocalypse is much more real. They just don’t realize that they are already the walking dead.

Turn off the news, because it isn’t real folks. It’s unbelievable. Consume more flesh and save the puppies by lynching your neighbours. Eat more hot dogs. Hole up in Costco when the Big One hits. Wait…you are already sleeping, sitting, wearing, eating, and watching something from Costco.

Kill all the zombies. And win.

My voices are loud and clear. Calmer and collected again. Reasonable. Enlightening.

Lovely voices of reason, compassion, and ethics.

“Save them.”

But I still can’t hear them…what are they saying? That reality is too much to bare. Are they saying they crave mass death and wish deeply with their hearts for it? It’s confusing.

“listen more closely”

I will.

How would you describe your voices? Are they friendly or mean?

I have a big dog. She is really big. She is a ferocious looking demon hound to some. She is a big cuddle puddle of loose skin covered with crushed velvet to others. However people judge her before getting to know her, they inevitably ask, “is he friendly or mean?” I am going to skip the automatic human gender assignment to the animal this time and just tell you that she is a neapolitan mastiff. She has presence and is hard to ignore, even if you wanted to.

My answer is basically as follows: The way my dog reacts to you personally, is largely determined by how you approach me. Are you friendly or mean? The environment this animal is presented with, in conjunction with her experiences, will determine how she behaves towards you. There are a wide range of possibilities here. And within that range, there are further ranges. Lets take one behaviour for now…

She bites you. Why? Because she is mean. No. Because she in hungry? I can also rule that out, but it’s still a worthy question. Was she scared, nervous, angry, being protective, or confused? Lets take angry. Was that just a display of dominance, rage, a warning, annoyance, or distrust?

I think if I were to simply answer the question of whether my dog is friendly or mean, would be doing her a disservice. And I respect my dog, so I would likely assess your demeanour and approach and ask if you would like to meet her and get to know her. That is if I felt you were safe.

Getting back to the title of this post, are my voices friendly or mean? Neither. They react to the environment around me, in conjunction with my experiences. But I am also human, with only so much capacity for insight (especially when actively hearing) that other factors, like my mood, come into play. And many many more. I am trying to identify them and I know many of them. So…if they aren’t friendly or mean…what do your voices sound like…?

Angels whispering, blood thirsty devils from a hell deeper than hell, incoherent singing, cell phone buzzing, my name being spoken by people looking at me, like someone is following me, sexy babes, rage incarnate, whiny little fucks, laughing ladies in the kitchen, chanting, bang bang, wise words, attacks, sirens, commands, all manner of horror still unwritten, poetic, teeth clenching, panicky, nonsense, numbers, breathing, growling, thumping, too quiet, epiphany, interruptive, absolute power, guilty, shameful, unappreciative and appreciative, my name from afar, my mother who isn’t my mother, music, worry, drug seeking, glad, bad, mad, witches, and The Fifth.

But it’s more complex than that, however, I’ve lost my train of thought in my insomnia as I started listening to Penelope humming…

Love is the best way to understand the mind of a Voice Hearer.

Despite the media sensationalizing violent acts committed by marginalized people with documented mental health deficits, and the public safety panics it creates, many actively caring people remain unfazed by the gruesome hype.

These are people who are not interested in the gory details of highly rare occurrences or the online orgies of macabre retribution fantasies shared in dastardly detail by medieval torture enthusiasts. No. These are people who are interested in genuine and sustainable solutions for their loved ones, whether they be family members, colleagues, co-workers, or just simply members of their larger community. There are many people who do not hear voices that are seeking understanding of the voice hearing experience. These are people looking to help other people.

I have seen such people ask on forums or support groups dedicated to voice hearing, “how can I help so an so…how can I understand what they are experiencing?”

The answer is simple.

You already are helping. Your love for this person you care for, that person who hears voices that others cannot, is evident in your question. Loving a person beyond their gift or curse, that is however the voice hearer claims to experience their extra sensory activity at any given time, is a helping act. It is actually more than that…

Loving is the most helpful way of being present in this world in relation to any other person. Love is an understanding between two people. It exists on multiple levels of our existence: logical, emotional, an spiritual.

Love can embrace each one of these planes and even supersede it. Your loved one may query you as to why you may be feeling a certain way, and likely has. Sometimes you can’t explain it, because you aren’t sure. You are feeling a certain way but reason cannot sort it out for you. Other times you may be confused and simply choose not to give a reason. Whatever the case, you are loved and that does not change suddenly in the face or disappointment, illness, stress, or even anger.

Love is first and foremost an understanding that is helpful in attaining a stable and manageable state for the person you care for.

Everything else flows from it. And everything else is what mental consumers and many medical professionals conceptualize as Recovery.

Recovery is largely symptom management. This may entail recognizing triggers and avoiding them, coming to terms with the past, learning to accept the future as a welcome achievement for simply being present within it, a lifestyle based on healthier choices, and combinations thereof!

I may not always understand why my lover, or kids, or partner, or friends behave the way they do. It is pretty much guaranteed that there will be times when this is to case. And vice versa.

Start with Love. End with Happiness.

Keep on helping your loved one through the understanding that already exists between you.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Stigma in one sentence.

The shame of a schizophrenia diagnosis should not be greater than the symptoms of the illness itself.

(Borrowed from a local advocacy group for mental health consumers)

This is The Fifth, on a good day.

Have I relapsed?

Yes. I definitely have. After 6 years of not being on anti-psychotics. I can’t ever be on them again though. Or see a doctor. I don’t want to be a slave again. I’ve accomplished so much in the last six years. As I did before in the years before my five year zombie sleep on meds…

… They came for my child. They take away my family. They take my friends. My money. The things I like to do. They restrict my movement. And who I can be around…

…This all results from seeing a doctor, enemies use it and enslave you with it. They exploit stigma and prey on you. You need to recognize these predators. You are the hunter…

…But where does that leave me then? With nothing?

Better dead and well lived than enslaved and humiliated and mocked and stripped down the core like a naked animal.

You are right, i escapes that against all odds. I fought and won. I will remain free. I will also stay true to her. She will help me. She loves me. She too is a hunter.

I know because I have seen it in her too.

I also have.

Me as well.

You are excited by it. You are excited by power. You deserve a powerful ally. A free woman. A true witch of this world. And the next.