I wish…

…for fish!

who knew?

The snail did.

I recently set up a fish tank in our living room. It has four residents. Two of them are little albino catfish named El Toro del Norte and Little Pearl. There is also a tiny African Dwarf Frog named Jean-Francois. Last, but not least, is Atlas. He is the snail. He carries the weight of the world on his back. I wonder what he hears echoing and bouncing back at him in rapid succession within that shell he sports. Probably nothing. I am not even sure that snails hear. I believe they just ‘sense’. 

 

It must be liberating to just be a sensor in this world, as opposed to a hearer. Yet hearing is one of the five senses, or the Big Five as I think of them. Hearing is like the fifth sense, the one i could do without. I often feel that all good things come in fours. If there is a fifth, then it is a parasite. It creates nothing but chaos and brings about death. It latches on to what is pure and good, and sucks away everything. Strangely, this is what the snail does to every last microscopic thought of a life form that challenges the community that exists…

It is probably best that i keep this little aquatic community to four members. If i add a Fifth then the community may face the same peril that I do at present. I feel that delving into my aquatic community has distracted me from the danger The Fifth brings to me daily, and hourly. Why risk upsetting it?

“You have become superstitious all of a sudden?”

*No. Kindly shut up.*

I always look forward to checking in on Atlas when i come home from work, outings, or even waking up! The Fifth nags, pesters, infiltrates, and invades, but i focus on my little Atlas. He is bigger than The Fifth and more real than that fucking locust swarm it brings. Atlas doesnt starve me of rational thought but centres me on his constant consuming nature. 

“You think you are exempt from the living? You are a fool. An idiot. And fat. And lame. And weak. People deny you even exist by their actions towards you.”

After much debate, tiresome debate from the witches, Nora declares, “you cannot think of yourself as a god. We are not the four horsemen that you suspect us to be. You are the one consuming yourself. You are the cannibal. You are constantly consuming. You will consume yourself. Stop.”

I know this cannot be true. At the very least this must not be true. 

“It is not true and those bitches are just that. Bitches.”

I exercise the discipline I have known to be tried and true. It is the only truth i know for certain. I wonder if I am already The Fifth member of the aquarium. I wonder if The Fifth is actually me…

…I need something.

 

 

Penelope

Penelope is joyful and determined. She follows through on her promises. She is a scout. She is a guide. She loves to socialize. She loves to joke and laugh. She loves to sing!

She tells me she is nimble and small.

Beautiful, flirtatious, and charming suit this witch’s purposeful presentation.

Penelope is one of The Four summoned as my protectors. Hera called her spirit to action and she burst into the Heightened Plane as a raven! She was the first to fly forth from Hera’s sanctuary.

Penelope’s greatest gifts to me are: quickening of thought and action, foresight, accuracy, and diplomacy. She is eager to find solutions to problems before they happen.

The Fifth’s Gateway

The over night snow ploughs left the streets polished and slick this morning. No sanding trucks followed the clearing to give drivers the traction they need to start and stop safely. Minus 35 below celsius weather was giving the wind our cheeks a powerful bite and souring an already bitter morning. I knew I was going to be late. I was going to have to deal with a whole slew of anxious people waiting for me to arrive at work. Damn, the stress was mounting.

 

I have learned that stress is gateway to The Fifth. I know when the bolts and locks that hold the gateway shut are loosened and begin popping off one by one, I know it will come like wave upon violent wave of pestering gnawing sociopathic and snake tongued voices. The fifth can speak in many voices and sounds all at once. It bleats, yells, and incoherently whispers at a rapid fire rate over its own self. I am able to reflect calmly upon it now but it will return. The Four (Penelope, The Two Gwendolyns -Wendy and Gwen, and Nora) will as well. These voices were from my morning commute. I often speak with them as well, sometimes only through thought and sometimes out loud. I have seen myself talking in my rear view mirror and noticed other people looking at me from other vehicles. I think they must think I am singing, and sometimes I am. I often keep music playing to maintain focus if I am stressed. Sometimes The Fifth makes me clench me teeth, and breathe shallow quick breaths and flew all my muscles like I may explode. At one point in my life I had to stop riding a bicycle to commute because I was being consumed by rage. I hope I never fall in so intimately with The Fifth again. I do not believe I will. The Four protect me. Hera protects me through them.

THE VOICES THIS MORNING:

 

 

The Fifth: “You know damn well they are wolves in sheepskins”

       The Fifth:           “THEY ARE ATTACKING YOUR CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY WANT YOU TO SUFFER”  “he doens’t care if you live or die, LOOK!!, he is trying to cause an accident, he drives that thing to hurt you, he wants you to be injured and not work so your kids will suffer, LOOK AT HIM!!, he is doing this on purpose. GET HIM FIRST. protect yourself and do the world a favour.” “hey think about it…hey…i want to help you and you want to help people. cuz you are a good man. heck you are one of the few stand up men i have ever known. no wonder she loves you!! hahaha :)), that is great. you…  know… you are a lucky boy!” “listen to what he’s saying, he is being honest and you can’t deny it, look around and you know its true….” “Ok. Time is running out. He is going to hurt someone and you can see it plain as day. Just give him a bump. You can fix the car this time, no problem. Just give him a nudge in the right direction and help the good people of this world. They need you and your family needs you. You are driving and the law covers this. No worries. It was an accident. Beat him to it! :))”

    The Fifth:    “CMON” “yesssss….” “Hey if you doing a good deed has its rewards, you will feel better…”

 

Penelope: “i like that song that you like, Who Did That to You by John Legend. Sounds like you are in that kind of mood. Play it, its good for you. Play it loud and listen to me, I’ll sing it too if you do”.

 

The Fifth: “SHUT UP BITCH. SLUT. Wretched worthless cunt. Witch! LEAVE HIM ALONE, YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND ANYTHING. I’m gonna get you Penelopeepee stupid voice girl whore and the OTHER BITCHES TOO! You bitches want to trick all the men….”

 

Gwen: “THAT IS ENOUGH OF THAT. put the song on before I make a demonstration out of a living man from the likes of his foul parasitic wormhole.”

Wendy: “He is going to put it on, he just needs to drive safe and watch out for others while he does.”

Penelope: “He’s a good driver, i’m not worried. Besides I’m watching the road.”

Wendy: “I very much agree with that. I also agree that the others talk like rapists.”

Penelope: “How did you know I was thinking that.”

Gwen: “Rapists deserve death on the spot. They could rape anyone we care for.”

Wendy: “They do. If we came across one, we would not hesitate. No we wouldn’t at all.”

Penelope: “Even making jokes about rape or behaving like a jerk towards women, simply because they are women and a man feels entitled is the reason for all this violence.”

Wendy: “But that is allowed to go on and on over time. Hera doesn’t believe that men have the right to behave this way.”

Gwen: “That is very true. If someone acts outside of their right, then they are violating someone else’s right and natural law must be applied. I think we can all agree that the boy will become a great hunter. The Hunter of Hunters!!”

Penelope: “Nora do you like that title?”

Nora: “It is too severe and does not fit our boy. He is returning to Hera, she has found him. Hera will not lecture him about revenge but will hold him in her bosom and give the gift of further foresight and goodness. He must act in goodness as Hera desires. She is wise and trusts him.”

Gwen: “But she would forgive him and understand his actions were for good.”

Nora: “Yes she would. But she also wants to be with him. That is the purpose.”

Penelope: “You are wise too Nora.”

Wendy: “He wants to put on that other song by Muse. Madness.”

Penelope: “Oh I want to sing it!”

 

 

Nora Brings Balance, As Always

“Sometimes it is necessary to suspend one’s emotions and realize that others make choices independent of how those choices affect you. You are not responsible for the consequences that naturally follow their choices. You are only responsible for ensuring that you and your family are given the respect every person deserves by virtue of existing peacefully on this planet. You are responsible for restoring respect when someone is lost in these matters.” – Nora

Nora, the wisest of the four, told me this the other day. I enjoyed hearing this and I listened closely to her while ignoring the attempts of The Fifth to drown her out. The more I focus the louder she speaks. She will also share her thoughts in greater detail. It is the Fifth’s mission to dispel her and fan the fires that others in the crude world ignite. It tempts me down a path that is easy, yet painful for many around me. It claims the solution is simple and I am strong enough to walk the path through the black forest, because i do not fear the dark. It may be right, I am not sure yet. But Penelope protests and says that it is not the darkness that I fear to embrace, but the shadow it will cast forever upon those who love me. So, she says, if I need to walk through the black forest she will show me the fates I have before me and that none of them are real but can be if The Fifth has his way. And he will never have his way she promises, if I focus on her and honour Hera. Listen to Nora and be even about your choices in the crude world. Hera is present.

The thought of Hera gives me shivers…I love her.